Contemplation

Sitting here last night, contemplating the artistry that the surgeon created with her ball point pen on my thigh showing the second area they will be removing, I thought: Gee, this is a cool design.  I should make a mosaic of it.  It’s the shape of an eye.  The protector eye?  The all-seeing eye? The ayes have it?  Oh, wait, wrong “aye”.

Looking at it now, I am reminded of my friend Yvonne Yaar’s artwork of glass eyes….the protector kind that you see over doorways.  Eventually, I probaby will create something in it’s form.  It will be cathartic, just like writing is, for me.  It’s a lot larger of an area than I expected stretching down the length of my thigh. (Yvonne’s artwork can be seen here: www.YvonneYaar.com)

Contemplation, that’s where I’m at now.  Just thinking about it all, studying what is happening, meditating a bit more since my blood pressure (which is always quite low) was a bit high yesterday during the anxiety of it all.

Contemplating choices that no longer exist is a waste of time, decisions that have already been made are to be accepted, waiting is all that there is: Now we are just waiting.   I think I’ll go create something with the kiddos, roll some clay out, and let them loose with it…it doesn’t get better than that, now does it?

con·tem·pla·tion  (kntm-plshn)

n.

1. The act or state of contemplating.
2. Thoughtful observation or study.
3. Meditation on spiritual matters, especially as a
form of devotion.
4. Intention or expectation

(google hit: The Free Dictionary)

What now?! Choices, please.

I know there are times in the past when I have felt “geez, I can’t take anymore than this” when things were being thrown at me left and right….but, here’s the thing: I always made it through. We can always make it through. How? Just keep moving forward.  People accuse me of having a terrible memory.  But, it’s not that I have a terrible memory really, it’s that I choose not to dwell and I just move forward.  I don’t leave any room in my head for much of that stuff I may have had to climb over to get through to the next day.  People will tell you things all your life, it’s your choice to decide if you feel the same.

I swear I’m not trying to be trite. I really feel this. Each and every day is a new start, a new beginning, a brand-spankin’-new chance to make a choice in the right direction for your life. And, thus, I find myself back in the saddle lately. Trying to make good choices for leading me forward into the next day, week, month….lifetime.

Last week I was diagnosed with melanoma. Cancer. Yep. The Big C. No pink ribbons for me. I’m not a fan of pink anyway, so keep the ribbon, I’ll take choices. Okay, I say to the doctor calmly: “What are my choices?”  This isn’t a time to be emotional or irrational. For me it’s time to put on my thinking cap and learn everything I may not already know about melanoma. What stage am I? What level within that stage? What are the options and which will I choose for my care?

I have Stage II melanoma.  It’s what I like to call “caught earlyish”.  Right there I have something to go forward with, something to base some knowledge upon.  Surgery – Yes.  Already had a nice hole put into my thigh the size of a quarter just to remove the original suspect area.  Now, they will go in and remove a much larger area – gotta get to those icky cells outlying, creeping about, wanting to create mischief with my body, my good cells.  Then there’s the depth-thing.  It was deep enough to warrant a biopsy of the sentinal (the closest) lymph node grouping which will be (oh joy) in my groin.  Ouch.

So, I head for another surgical consult later this week…they don’t want to wait more than a week.  Okay.  I like their style, my doctor-team.   Don’t worry….I’ll be in touch.  After all, I’ve got to make more choices tomorrow.  Don’t we all?